More Creative Writing...

A letter from a failing woman:

I sometimes feel like I am drowning. 

I realize that I must sound a little overly dramatic, but in all honesty, at times it feels like the enormity of my perceived failures surround me and close off any and all means of surviving. I feel my chest becoming tight and my world shrinking so that the only thing that I know and feel and am is this inability to succeed... 

I sense the lights fading and I search desperately for something, anything to cling to. 

The voice of reason that usually clears away the fog that surrounds me is that of the man who loves me. The man who owns me: heart, body and soul.

In the deepest depths of my despair, I can always reach for him and he has never let me fall. He is my rock and the one thing I have that I can physically cling to when all the mocking laughter grows too loud.

There are few things in my life that I have wanted as much as I want this, but it seems that the Fates have other plans for me. I believe in the Divine Plan and my faith usually sees me through the hardest and darkest parts of this journey, but I will be lying if I said that my faith was never shaken and has always infallible. 

More and more I hear the whisperings in the darkness; asking questions that I would never voice, especially in the light, and planting the seeds of Fear and Loneliness, and at times in the darkest hours of the night, I find them hard to shut out and harder to purge from my mind.

I know, deep within my core, that if it were not for this man who holds me up and carries me when I feel I cannot continue, I know that I would not have reached this point on the journey that we have undertaken. I would not have survived and I would not be willing to, or able to, re-arm myself and face the same challenges, fight the same battles. For this I am more grateful that I could ever express and even if I could articulate it, it would never be enough.

On days like today however, I would like nothing more than to give up. To curl up into a little ball and weep until I have nothing left inside of me. To let the sorrow and the failure consume me. To retreat from it all and be immersed within my own self-loathing and self-pity until the end of it all. 

I know I won't, however. 

I won't ever give up. 

I want this to succeed. 

More than I have ever wanted anything else in my entire life and I have worked hard and sacrificed much to get here, but most of all because at the end of this road, not only will I find my own happiness, but I am sure to find the happiness of this amazing man who has been with me through it all, and for him there is very little that I would not do.

As I have traveled along this road I have faced many challenges, most of them have been mental, but lately they have become more and more physically demanding and I do not know how long I can continue to torture, not only my mental capacity, but my physical body too.  Every lost battle breaks me down a little more, puts another crack in my veneer, another chink in my armor.

Every time I fail, I feel that this burden becomes heavier, and I fear that, above all else, he will abandon me and find his happily-ever-after with someone else. 

Someone who is able to give him what I cannot.  He has assured me time and time again that he loves me and that he will not leave me, but a life time of insecurities is endlessly difficult to overcome, especially when you are unable to achieve even this: the most basic thing of all. 

For now I lay my heart and my body on the line; and if, in the process, I happen to lose my sanity, I know that he will be there to help me find it again. He is my lover, my best friend, my hero and my husband and I will eternally be grateful that Fate has given him to me, and me to him.

Thank you for keeping my head above the water, for holding me up when I cannot stand on my own, but most of all, than you for loving me the way that you do.

Yours always, in mind body and soul.

XOXO

Sheesh! If that doesn't bring you down I'm not sure what will. 

I know that this piece is dark and depressing, but I had a desperate desire to get it out there. Even if no one ever gets it, no one ever likes it, or even reads it, this was somethng that I felt I had to do.

I promise that the next one will not be so dark or depressing...

Until next time,

ACL