Weepy Wednesday...

When I was younger, I used poetry to vent my feelings and frustrations. This is something that I started doing in high-school and it remained a large part of my own personal therapy for many years.

That is until I lost my father. 

I shan't bore you with all of the details, but suffice to say it was sudden and heartbreaking, and for the first time in a long time I had very few words to describe my pain.

At the time I was writing the bulk of my poetry my mother was rather unwilling to read them because she found them rather "disturbing and altogether too dark," something that I thought was more than a little insulting. 

My father on the other hand seemed to really enjoy them and I copied out by hand the majority of my works into a small hardcover book for him. I retrieved it from his wardrobe after his death.

There has only been a handful of other souls with whom I have shared my personal poetry, although most of the people in my life know of my love for literature.

And so, to the point: I got a burning desire last night to find this book, even though I had not seen it in years. I set out to find it and, after reducing most of my craft/book-room to an utter mess (along with a few other rooms in my house), I eventually found it.

Naturally, I flicked through it and read some of my long-ago musings, and found them to be exactly what my mom deemed them: Disturbing and all together too dark. 

I endeavor now, however, to share some of them here with you. These are just a few that I picked at random, so here we go:

Untitled (2009)

I am the invisible one

I am there in the dark, I am the chill in the air,

I am the feeling that you are being watched,

I was there from the beginning.

Once upon a time, I, too, was loved

I, too, was seen and held.

but you left me here in the cold

Slammed the door in my face

Laughed at my misery, and

ignored my pleas for Salvation

Slowly I faded.

Day by day I felt the love and life drain from me.

And when I opened my eyes again, I was no more

How can you save someone you cannot see?

Cannot touch?

Thus, I blindly stumble on,

Praying that one day I will be seen again

But until then I will haunt in this loneliness.

Until then I will still be drowning in my tears.

I will hunt for misery.

Watching every step. Every breath.

Never seen; but always watching.

Loneliness is my only friend,

Misery my weapon of choice.

 

 Moving on without further ado, something from a little earlier:

I Can't Breathe (2008)

I am all alone, 

Wanting more,

Getting less

I can't breathe.

I feel my life passing me by, 
Waiting for life to happen.
Locked in,
Walled out.

I need something,
The anger boils within my soul,
Bitterness choking me, 
My tears drowning me.

I am your sister,
I am your daughter.
I am all alone
I am waiting for more.
No time. No air.

Thoughts: useless and scattered in my mind
Walled in. Locked out.
Fear consumes, Failure invades.
I can't breathe.

Trapped in my life,
Caught by Fate,
Wondering if it's all worth the wait.
Could I use this?

I can't breathe.
Take me away,
Make this life different.

I am a Lost Soul
I am waiting to be noticed
I am hoping that you still care
I am wishing that you were still here.
I am in need. 
No time. No air.
Walled in, Locked out.

Days pass. 

Nothing new to tell.
Sadness had become hollow,
Solitude the wall.
I can't breathe anymore.

There are so many more and reading through them brings back memories I have long since forgotten. To be blatantly honest, I really like most of them, even the really dark ones. There are of course some that I think could do with some improvement, but I won't alter them as they are like snapshots of a long forgotten age, but once again, I am in danger of straying far off topic.

I won't recount any more of my inner teen-aged angst with you today, but I might at some point in the future.

And so, until next time,

ACL.