Weepy Wednesday...

When I was younger, I used poetry to vent my feelings and frustrations. This is something that I started doing in high-school and it remained a large part of my own personal therapy for many years.

That is until I lost my father. 

I shan't bore you with all of the details, but suffice to say it was sudden and heartbreaking, and for the first time in a long time I had very few words to describe my pain.

At the time I was writing the bulk of my poetry my mother was rather unwilling to read them because she found them rather "disturbing and altogether too dark," something that I thought was more than a little insulting. 

My father on the other hand seemed to really enjoy them and I copied out by hand the majority of my works into a small hardcover book for him. I retrieved it from his wardrobe after his death.

There has only been a handful of other souls with whom I have shared my personal poetry, although most of the people in my life know of my love for literature.

And so, to the point: I got a burning desire last night to find this book, even though I had not seen it in years. I set out to find it and, after reducing most of my craft/book-room to an utter mess (along with a few other rooms in my house), I eventually found it.

Naturally, I flicked through it and read some of my long-ago musings, and found them to be exactly what my mom deemed them: Disturbing and all together too dark. 

I endeavor now, however, to share some of them here with you. These are just a few that I picked at random, so here we go:

Untitled (2009)

I am the invisible one

I am there in the dark, I am the chill in the air,

I am the feeling that you are being watched,

I was there from the beginning.

Once upon a time, I, too, was loved

I, too, was seen and held.

but you left me here in the cold

Slammed the door in my face

Laughed at my misery, and

ignored my pleas for Salvation

Slowly I faded.

Day by day I felt the love and life drain from me.

And when I opened my eyes again, I was no more

How can you save someone you cannot see?

Cannot touch?

Thus, I blindly stumble on,

Praying that one day I will be seen again

But until then I will haunt in this loneliness.

Until then I will still be drowning in my tears.

I will hunt for misery.

Watching every step. Every breath.

Never seen; but always watching.

Loneliness is my only friend,

Misery my weapon of choice.

 

 Moving on without further ado, something from a little earlier:

I Can't Breathe (2008)

I am all alone, 

Wanting more,

Getting less

I can't breathe.

I feel my life passing me by, 
Waiting for life to happen.
Locked in,
Walled out.

I need something,
The anger boils within my soul,
Bitterness choking me, 
My tears drowning me.

I am your sister,
I am your daughter.
I am all alone
I am waiting for more.
No time. No air.

Thoughts: useless and scattered in my mind
Walled in. Locked out.
Fear consumes, Failure invades.
I can't breathe.

Trapped in my life,
Caught by Fate,
Wondering if it's all worth the wait.
Could I use this?

I can't breathe.
Take me away,
Make this life different.

I am a Lost Soul
I am waiting to be noticed
I am hoping that you still care
I am wishing that you were still here.
I am in need. 
No time. No air.
Walled in, Locked out.

Days pass. 

Nothing new to tell.
Sadness had become hollow,
Solitude the wall.
I can't breathe anymore.

There are so many more and reading through them brings back memories I have long since forgotten. To be blatantly honest, I really like most of them, even the really dark ones. There are of course some that I think could do with some improvement, but I won't alter them as they are like snapshots of a long forgotten age, but once again, I am in danger of straying far off topic.

I won't recount any more of my inner teen-aged angst with you today, but I might at some point in the future.

And so, until next time,

ACL.

Back to the Projects...

Now this is my latest 'new' craft: 

I started playing with polymer clay because I recently completed my 1:12 scale Victorian Doll's house, and by that I mean that I finally installed the lights and connected them to a battery pack of sorts (I know I'm a bit of a dork, but what-ever). Anyway back to the subject at hand, polymer clay. 

Now Google told me that there are millions of things that I could add to my house made from clay. How awesome. 

So off I went, bought my clay and started playing, first making miniature flowers, then moving on to other odds and ends (with the help of some really cool online tutorials etc.), until finally I thought that I would try my hand at making pose-able dolls. Not for my house, but just 'cause.

The first one that I completed kinda looked like a drag queen, and not a very good one at that, so I won't scar you with those photos, but the next ones turned out okay. Well I think so anyway...  

      

So the Blue Doll (as I've come to call it) was my first successfully completed one. I made the entire thing, from scratch, starting with a wire frame wrapped in some tinfoil for added bulk. I added clay to the tinfoil to give it some rigidity, making sure that the joints, knees and elbows, still have the ability to bend.

I sculpted the head next and painted on the makeup, shaded the cheeks and chest with soft pastels, and painted in the eyes. It's still creepy without the hair (although the painted eyes make it better), not to mention that half of her is green. There is a perfectly good explanation for that however. 

I, like most people today, have a somewhat limited budget when it comes to my crafts (I have a hard time with unnecessary squandering of resources), so, because the beige toned clay is ridiculously expensive, I used a cheaper polymer clay to fill the body of the doll that would be covered by her clothing. Problem solved.

The hair is just craft store doll's hair that I picked up really cheap, but I have seen people use all sorts of things, including wool. For myself however I like the look of the doll's hair. 

I found it  rather a challenge to glue the hair in place directly on the head, regardless of which internet suggestion I tried. In the end however I took a bit of tulle and made a wig of sorts that I glued in place after styling it the way I wanted.

As for the clothing itself, I simply used some scrap pieces of material that I had lying around (the hardest part of that was selecting a colour scheme). And so, having settled on blue, I set to work making the dress. 

It's a rather basic design that is held in place with glue. That is to say, she will never be able to wear anything else, but no matter. Next I took a bit of crushed velvet cut into a rectangle and used that as a cape, once again, just glued in place. 

The trim around her waist and the bottom of her dress is bits of left over lace from a scrap-booking project that was never quite finished.

I have to point out here that I didn't really have a clear picture in my mind of what I wanted this doll to look like at the end of the day, I simply enjoyed the journey and let my mood determine where the project went, and what I did next. 

I am a great believer in following your intuition, and not just with crafts, but in all situations and aspects of life, but I digress.

A prime example is the 'hat': In all honesty it is one of my favorite features and it happened completely by accident. Like I mentioned, I didn't sew the dress in the traditional sense as it didn't need to do much more than look good, and from a distance at that. So, the lighter blue part of the dress is lining rather than silk or cotton etc. making it extremely light weight and easily fray-able (is that even a word). 

Where the hem line is was particularly vulnerable and this 'fluff' that became the hat is just that some of the dress that frayed. 

When I was cleaning up after completing the doll (before she had such a stylish headpiece) I balled up this lot of pulled threads and it made a rather pretty wad of material, wispy and cloud-like, so inspiration struck and I turned it into a hat, placing a bead over the top of it, right in the middle to finish it off... (I know its hard to see in the picture, but its there. Trust me.) And hey! presto! A hat...

Well that was rather longer than I expected, but just before I go, I want to quickly share a few pictures of the second one I finished. 

I worked this one much like the first with little or no deviation in the overall process. The end result was quite a bit different however:

 

To me the Pink Doll looked older, and perhaps wiser than the Blue Doll, so when I was doing her hair, I put a little grey streak in it (you can make it out if you look really closely). I also gave her a shawl rather than a cape (made from more scrap lace that i had laying about the house) and, if you look carefully, she is also wearing earrings, another variation from the Blue Doll. 

Personally I like to think of them as mother and daughter, but again that happened purely by accident and it is not what I set out to achieve. I am, however, happy with the result.

Well that is all for today, I think.

Until next time,
ACL.

PS. A quick snap of the back of these ladies, just so you can see the 'hat'.

Something's wrong...

Today, for the first time here, I would like to share some of my thoughts, rather than a project. 

Earlier today I got news that a very close friend of mine was the victim of an unprovoked, racially motivated attack. The incident was at first not taken seriously by the police of the country that he lives in due to the fact that he hadn't gotten a medical report to prove that he was attacked, something that I think is outrageous, but I digress.

Now my friend had a photo of some of his attackers and posted it on social media, hoping to get some information on the offenders. He was not looking for financial compensation to cover his medical expenses etc, but rather for information to make an insurance claim to cover the damage to his car. (I no longer reside in my country of origin so the time difference between us makes relaying news a little tricky). 

Finally, as far as I am aware however the police decided to take his claim seriously and were on their way to take his statement. 

I'm not all too sure about the details going forward and I feel that if he wants his story told, it is for him to do so and not for me. 

The reason I brought this up today here has nothing to do with the delicate subject of racism, but rather with the culture of violence that seems so commonplace these days. 

How is it that in a so-called civilized society we can look the other way when something like this happens? How can we claim to be better than animals if we still resort to physical violence to solve any disputes?

For me the worst of it is that there are some comments stemming from this incident that are blaming the victim. 

What?! 

Seriously, how do you even reach that conclusion? I honestly want to know, what is your thought process that leads you to conclude that: if you are the victim of a crime, regardless of what said crime is, that you are the one to blame. It's like insinuation that if a girl is assaulted, she is the one who was "asking for it" because of the way that she dressed. 

Are you joking?!

Instead of playing the blame game why are we not simply teaching our children, and in some cases ourselves, that there are better ways to solve problems, and better outlets for ingrained anger than to attack one another in the streets or resort to any kind of physical confrontation. I guess its easier said than done, and perhaps even easier to just turn away from anything that is deemed distasteful. That is until it hits close to home. And i hope for the sake of all of us, that it never does, but i fear that it is somewhat inevitable.

What really got my blood boiling was one woman's comment that she, as a white person, has never had a similar experience, so obviously he was to blame. 

Now, generally speaking, I am not one to get involved in these things but I couldn't keep myself from pointing out to her that she was wrong. Here's exactly what I said:

"Good job blaming the victim! Because regardless of what did or didn't happen it must be your fault for getting attacked. I guess you are one of those people that blame rape victims for getting raped too. Violence should NEVER be the answer, not in this so-called civilized society of ours. Never. Instead of asking (my friend whom I will not name) what HE did wrong, why not look to the animals who did this for the answers?!"

She, I am sorry to say, took great offense to this and came back bleating about how, as a Christian, she would pray for me etc. 

As a Christian myself, I am saddened, and a little appalled, by statements like this. Who the hell do you think you are to condemn me or my views? And do you think that by invoking the name of God you are somehow free to say and do as you please? Isn't that what has been done by countless people through out history with disastrous consequences?

Regardless of all that, where exactly did this turn into a religious debate, and why do so many people, who have no valid points left to make (if they had any in the first place) feel the need to call upon God when they run out of legitimate things to contribute to the conversation?

It breaks my heart that a man who was attacked, simply because of the way he looks is blamed by so many for being beaten up by SEVEN attackers. Even if he had wronged you or in some way insulted you, why would seven of you need to kick him whilst yelling racial slurs at him? Isn't that a little too much? Does it really make what ever the problem is/was better? I sincerely doubt it.

And then there are others who are all "Just stand up for yourself, bro." Or "you should learn self defense!" Or my 'favorite' "You should have a gun/weapon in your car for times like this." 

Just please! If he did have a weapon do you think that he would be home with his family?! NO! he would be in a police cell charged with, at the very least, assault with a deadly weapon, or at worst, with murder.

Oh and look, dude, not even freaking Batman could take on that many and still come out on top. For that many people to beat up one lone man is shameful, and above all cowardly! He had absolutely no chance to defend himself, even if he were prepared for it instead of being blind-sided in a parking lot in broad daylight.

In essence, what I would like you to take away from this, if nothing else is this: PLEASE use your words, not your fists, to solve disputes and if you need to, go to a gym or go for a run to burn off some of that built-up rage that threatens to set the world on fire. I've said it a few times, and I'll say it again: Violence should NEVER be the answer! Instead of spreading hate, fear and anger, why not strive for love, patience and hope?

Until next time,

ACL.

The passage ends with: Three things will last forever - faith, hope and love- and the greatest of these is love.

PS. Sorry for calling you a "victim" the whole time, but I didn't want to use your name. I still love you though.

A look back...

For the last few weeks, life has gotten in the way of me carrying on with any of my countless half finished projects, and so I have no update on the blanket to show just now.
Instead, here are a few of the ones that I have finished, and some that still need work...
(As you can see my attention span is rather short and I often find myself bored with one particular type of craft, and so I move on to the next. Don't judge me too harshly...)

These are all stitched on cardboard and, as with most of the things I make, went to my mom...

The first five are designs from http://www.stitchingcards.com/ who has an awesome collection of designs, and if this type of project is your cup of tea, it is well worth a visit...

The last one, a mother's day card, was found in a book that I got from my aunt a very long time ago.

A cross stitched design done on 18ct aida cloth.

This is one of my favorite projects, and it's just over a third completed. This particular one has taken longer than I care to admit, and I haven't worked on it for a while, but looking at it now, I might pick it up again soon...

The design is from the best cross stitch design company there is, at least in my opinion. You can find them at http://heavenandearthdesigns.com/ 
This particular pattern is unfortunately no longer available, but it is called Violet Melody, artwork by Nene Thomas.

Well, that's it for now.

Until next time.
ACL.

Minimal Progress...

As you can see, not much has changed in the last few days, and to be truly honest it, there really doesn't seem to be any thing in particular that I can point to and say "This is why I have done so very little."
It's just that sometimes life gets in the way...

 

 

 

And for good measure, here is one with a 30 cm ruler on it, just to give you a rough indication of its size...

Until next time...
ACL.

Not even worth it...

Well today seems to have passed me by without so much as a howdy-do... I feel as though I have barely even accomplished anything at all today.
I realize, of course, that this might be slightly exaggerated, but that is besides the point.

All I care to share here today is that the fishes have now got a bit more colour. I might have been waiting for them to dry when life got in the way and pulled my focus and attention elsewhere, and so they are less complete than I would have liked them to be, but never mind.

So today we'll keep it short and sweet.

And that is all she wrote.

Until next time,
ACL.